I guess they were embarrassed about the whole Obama-is-a-devil thing. For example, David Axelrod now works for MSNBC, which is a nice change of pace since MSNBC used to work for David Axelrod. Some of my former advisors have switched over to the dark side. I know CNN has taken some knocks lately, but the fact is I admire their commitment to cover all sides of a story, just in case one of them happens to be accurate. (Laughter.) I love Conan.Īnd of course, the White House press corps is here. (Applause.) I was just talking to Ed, and I understand that when the Correspondents’ Association was considering Conan for this gig, they were faced with that age-old dilemma: Do you offer it to him now, or wait for five years and then give it to Jimmy Fallon? (Laughter.) That was a little harsh. I want to give a shout-out to our headliner, Conan O’Brien. (Laughter and applause.) I thought this looked pretty good, but no bounce. I understand - second term, you need a burst of new energy, try some new things. (Laughter.)Īnyway, I recognize that this job can take a toll on you. Michael, what’s your secret, man? (Laughter.) Could it be that you were an actor in an Aaron Sorkin liberal fantasy? (Laughter.) Might that have something to do with it? (Applause.) I don’t know.
Maureen Dowd said I could solve all my problems if I were just more like Michael Douglas in “The American President.” (Laughter.) And I know Michael is here tonight. Of course, everybody has got plenty of advice. (Laughter and applause.) That’s another rap reference, Bill. I’ve got 99 problems and now Jay-Z is one. For example, this whole controversy about Jaz-Z going to Cuba - it’s unbelievable. The executives at NBC asked, “What’s your secret?” (Laughter and applause.) (Laughter.) That’s right: two hits, 20 misses. I go out on the basketball court, took 22 shots - made two of them. (Laughter.) Who knew Eric Holder was so sensitive? (Laughter and applause.)Īnd then there’s the Easter Egg Roll, which is supposed to be just a nice, fun event with the kids. (Laughter.) As you might imagine, I got trouble when I got back home. I happen to mention that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general in the country. Like, I’m out in California, we’re at a fundraiser, we’re having a nice time. (Laughter.)Īnd yet, even after all this time, I still make rookie mistakes. These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be. But don’t worry - I recently got my own magazine cover. (Laughter.) She’s on the cover of Vogue, high poll numbers. (Applause.)Īnd of course, our extraordinary First Lady, Michelle Obama. To all the dignitaries who are here, everybody on the dais - I especially want to say thank you to Ray Odierno, who does outstanding service on behalf of our country, and all our men and women in uniform every single day. We are grateful for - (applause) - the great work you’ve done. I want to thank the White House Correspondents. I was like, guys, after four and a half years, how many pegs are there left? (Laughter.) They suggested that I should start with some jokes at my own expense, just take myself down a peg.
(Laughter.) They are a little more traditional. (Laughter.)Īctually, my advisors were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. (Laughter and applause.) We’re changing things around here a little bit. (Laughter.) How do you like my new entrance music? (Applause.) Rush Limbaugh warned you about this - second term, baby.